June 23, 2002

Dear Baby,
Today was supposed to be one of the most exciting days of mommy and daddy’s life; instead I wish it never happened. We went to the OB today for another ultrasound to determine if you are a boy or a girl. (We only got to see the back of you the first time!) We found out that you are a precious little boy. We were so happy; we were hoping you would be a boy! As the doctor moved the Doppler around on Mommy’s belly the image of your tiny head appeared on the monitor. Then all of our happiness turned to fear. We couldn’t see a problem, but Daddy and I could tell something was wrong by the worrisome look on the doctor’s face. He studied your image much closer and then asked me to get dressed and he would return in a moment. That was the longest five minutes of Mommy’s life. He came back and my heart sank as he told us our beautiful baby has a birth defect. CLEFT LIP AND PALATE! If only I had not been so insistent on having another ultrasound this never would have happened. You were perfect until today, PERFECT, and now this! I am so sorry that I did this to you. What did I do wrong? I must have done something…I missed a few of my prenatal vitamins because I hated how they made me feel so nauseous…but just two or three. What was I thinking? I am so selfish! Daddy says everything will be all right and that he loves me but I know he probably hates me for causing you to be deformed. Because of me you will have to go through so much pain. The doctor says you will have to have surgery. You’re so tiny and already this is happening to you. I want to protect you, I wish you were here so I could hold you and kiss you and tell you how sorry Mommy is. My poor baby! My sweet innocent little baby! Mommy is so sorry for doing this to you. I promise I will make it up to you somehow. Right now, I will pray. Pray that the doctor is wrong, pray that your daddy still loves me, pray that God will fix you! I love you my little boy!
Mommy

October 1, 2002

Dear Baby Landon,
Daddy and I brought you home from the hospital today to see your new home. I think you love your nursery already. You grinned a little bit when we laid you in your crib. I thought you would like the teddy bear theme. I was looking back through your journal Daddy and I have been keeping while you were asleep today. It’s amazing how things have changed. I read the entry that I wrote the day we found out you had a cleft. Mommy was so scared and silly. I thought your cleft was all my fault and that you and Daddy would stop loving me. Boy was I wrong! You are the best baby in the world and you have the best Daddy in the world! You both make me feel so important and loved! As I look back, I can see that the ultrasound revealing your special grin was God’s way of preparing Daddy and I. We were very lucky to have those 3 months to prepare for your birth. Daddy and Mommy found out everything they could during that time about clefts so that when you finally arrived we could try to be the best parents ever and make life easier for you. We are doing are absolute best to make you happy. We love you sooooooo much and are so proud of you. Taking care of you has been much easier than Mommy expected. I hope the next 18 years go this smoothly. Well, you will probably be waking up soon so I am going to finish up. I thought about tearing out a few entries in your journal but now I think I will leave them in here. That way, when you get old enough for Mommy and Daddy to give it to you, you will understand some of the emotions we went through and see how we worked through them…together! I love you sweet angel!
Mommy